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01:11pm 13/02/2009
  hello, online. i have forgotten about all social networking anythings for quite sometime now. life is busy. sucks and doesn't.

in a nutshell:
- i've changed my major to Nursing.
- i've applied to the A&M program for the fall and won't know if i got in until april. i'm nervous i won't get in. i have a 3.939 GPA and everything, but that's without taking the mass of my pre-req's and all.
- whatev's. i got a 100.58 on my first A&P 1 exam and a 101 on my lab practical. hott damn!
- but an 87 on my chemistry exam. womp woommmmmppppp.
- emeri is almost two! yays!
- he had a lot of fluid in his ears and it delayed his speech for a while, so he got tubes put in back in october + his adenoids (sp?) removed (these little glands in the nasal cavity). he's been doing awesome with speaking ever since! he learned how to say "mine" and "no" in the first week - so that was just awesome (but not really). presently, he's tackling sentence structure. and he calls me "jacqui" from time to time - and it drives me absolutely bonkers.
- i just had a total sugar rush at work. i ate, like, five cupcakes (literally, no joke), and now i feel like i'm going to puke.
- work is going GREAT! my financial aid crapped out at the beginning of the fall semester, so my boss hired me as a "student assistant," which meant i got same crappy pay BUT more hours. sa-weet. i'm actually getting pretty distinguished in my department and the vice-president of student development, mr. rivera, who basically runs the entire harvin center, asked me to go to a board meeting with him and the president and the board of regeants. um, awesome. + i got to meet representatives abel herrero, solomon ortiz jr., todd hunter, and senator hinojosa at the state capitol for Community College Day in austin just the other week. solomon ortiz asked me to add him on facebook. HA! it was real neat. i speak at luncheons, run the organizations, and now going to board meetings. holly guacamole.

oh, pip's here. bye.
     Read 4 - Post
04:55pm 18/06/2008
  oh, my. i've been such a recluse.
a few newish things have been going on, i guess.

- english dos is going fine. got a 96 on my first paper. the second essay will be given back tomorrow, i believe.
- philip and i went apartment hunting, and although we can afford to move out to a newer complex [which we prefer], i know we'd be stretching our wallets a little bit.
- i've developed this OUTRAGEOUS phobia to BUGS as of late. i mean, sure bugs scare me - always have - lately, however, the moment i see a roach, even a dead one, tears well up in my eyes and become extrememly paranoid of my surroundings. i'm glancing up at every wall and inch of ceiling every three minutes and constantly feel my body and hair for anything. i'm going absolutely BONKERS about it! i know that paranoia and anxiety may develop when taking ritalin, but i've been taking ritalin for three years now [minus when i was pregnant], and i'm not abusing it like i did when i was 18! so, yeah. it really sucks.
- emeri is getting bigger. 14 months, ohmygod! it's nuts when i think about how much of a little boy he is. he's crawling over furniture and being more interactive. no words, yet, but the gestures and babble are starting to sound more and more like regular conversation.
- due to the need for more space for emeri [to play inside and outside] and because of my INCESSANT fear of bugs, philip and i are moving back to HIS parents home and save money we would be spending on an apartment. the pena's have a four bedroom house, the master being on the first floor. they never go upstairs because they have no use for the extra three bedrooms.
- it's silly to move BACK to their home because i know i hated it, but i don't remember why. i think it was because i was there all day, everyday. i don't think it'd be as bad as before because i have classes now and don't just sit around at home and, also, because i feel closer to philip's parents now than when i did live there. during philip and my separation, his parents would always come over to my house and comfort me or call me all the time to just see how i was doing. also, now that philip and i aren't engaged, i don't feel like i have to be some better person.
- i got a job on campus. i work in the student activities' office. it's really boring, and the office is so unorganized and cluttered. i pretty much file every document ever made after the year 1993. my financial aid will only allow me to work fifteen hours a week, though. whatev', it's some extra money in the pocket.
- also, i don't know if this is a paying job or not, but - i'm kind of a model. : / my mother's former co-worker, marche, started a fashion line called Marche's Threads for the Undead. it sounds ridiculous, i know, but one day she saw my myspace and really wanted me to come audition for some show in august, and now i'm one of the "Undead Girls." i think there's a few photo shoots before the show, but i'm kind of nervous. she actually has some REAL models who model professionally and there's also a Suicide Girl who works for her, the only one in corpus christi! it's kind of intimidating, considering i have NO modeling experience, not fashionable AT ALL, and seriously NOT toned. it's like punk/goth/glam/hot topic-esque clothing. isn't this all just ridiculous??? i just hope i don't become fashion roadkill.

mmmm, i guess that's all right now. my life is seriously UNinteresting. not so much uninteresting, but i think i've become uninterested. school is ok and I LOVE EMERI to bits and pieces, but i've just been in this funk. a paranoid funk, but a funk nonetheless.

- i'm thinking about becoming an english major. i read that medical schools prefer english majors over business majors, because "you can teach someone about business to a literary person, but the art of literature is not so easy for a bussiness man to comprehend," or so my english professor told me. i really love her, dr. pfoff. she's squeezing me into her american lit class for the fall, despite it being full already.

and, yeah. i don't know. lately i've just felt unrelatable to people. i was talking about it to rich and jessica [my friend] the other day, and we concluded that life has hit us at an earlier age than most of the people we used to hang out with. rich is making more than most people ten years older than him are, jessica is married, and i have my son. she's going to A&M next year. i'm so sad about it. who am i to look at people and check out guys with around campus??? it is a sad sad thing. we have been making it a point to do lunch at least once a week with each other. i sound like such a lesbian - but, i really think she's going to be a friend that'll be around for a loooonnnggg time. now, rich is already one of those. love that gay of mine.

i'm really glad i've held onto them. they make sense to me.
i don't make sense to me.
     Read 3 - Post
10:39am 28/05/2008
  i promised:

Read more...Collapse )

those are some. i didn't keep to my promise - these are even more late than before.

i kept coming back and adding more pictures, but i haven't gotten around to actually adding them all.

+ i wanted to write and waste time till my friend jessica and i go out to lunch.

memorial day weekend [not intentionally set for this weekend] PIP and i went to san antonio and schlitterbahn. we had a GREAT time. i think it was something we both needed for ourselves, and mostly, our relationship. i wouldn't say it was a vacation, though. i missed emeri SO MUCH. i couldn't stop thinking about him or calling nelda, inquiring about his every move. after being about to spend these last couple weeks with him and not having to go to school, i want to be around him ALL THE TIME. i mean, i always have hated being away from him, but now it's even moreso since beginning summer classes.

well, "class," as in singular. i'm getting my second english out of the way for the first summer session and taking the second biology for the second summer session. then, i'll have american literature and some computer class to get through before i start tackling material towards my actual degree. it's so exciting! moving forward in life.

philip and i stayed in north san antonio, and before we left for home, we ventured around The Quarry. if i were to ever move to san antone [which i wouldn't really want to do] i would want to live in that area. the houses and neighborhoods were so nice and clean and the fact that there was a Wholefoods nearby, sold me! their baby aisle had nothing but Nature's Best [organic baby food] and G-Diapers [eco-friendly]. i've always wanted to do G-Diapers, but their more expensive here [i think i saw them at Sun Harvest], especially if i mail ordered them. + eating organically and healthy and just amazingly would make my life! i wish they had the same choices here in corpus.

it was nice planning out the next few years. i want only the best for emeri. my mom says i've become too uptight, and if that's the case, so be it. sure, i may be a little anal about the way i raise em, but i'm just looking out for potential mishaps in the future.

i HATE living with my father and sister, still. i HATE that i don't own a car of my own. i HATE that i haven't a job or a degree, yet. however, i'm working so hard to achieve all the building blocks i need to ensure the best life for my son. PIP graduates next spring [YES!] and [hopefully on his first try will pass the test and] will get his RN. i will be done with associate's next spring, too.

maybe sooner, but by then, definately, we'll be able to move out on our own into a place we can afford independently. we can move out now, if we wanted. i could get a part-time job, and we could move into some rinky-dinky apartment, if we really wanted. however, it's a huge opportunity for us to still have assistance from our parents, so that we won't need assistance in the long-run.

i was talking to my dad about it, and he was telling me that what philip and i are doing now is actually helping him out. he knows he doesn't have to worry about us, because we'll have careers of our own. philip will be working at a hospital and i'll finish my bachelor's at TAMUCC.

if philip gets a job offer elsewhere, i will be finishing my bachelor's at some other university. point being: i'm getting my shit done and moving forward and it feels GREAT. for a fact, i know that if we stay here, it'll only be for the sole purpose of finishing school. we want to get the "hell outta' dodge" before em starts school. no way will he be attending a CCISD school, and i'm still indifferent about private schooling.

it's just so reassuring. i have never felt so certain and calm about my future before.

except when i begin to think, "and if philip and i don't work out..." this is when the shit hits the fan. i probably would switch majors. i can't do shit with a bachelor's in psychology, so i'd think about an english major or math or whatever. something i just had a knack for that kind of interested me, but didn't captivate me. i'd probably move out after my associate's was done, but probably with someone else: my cousin ashley, jamy, my friend jessica, or rich. someone. i'd work full-time and finish up school during the night or online or on weekends or whenever. i'd be going to school full-time, too, no doubt. things would be difficult, but that wouldn't stop me from my dream. the life i want to give to emeri.

i really want everything for him, and i'd work my ass off for it.

and jessica texted me, and so i'm off to tango tea room for some gossip and friendly chit chat, then errands with the boys [PIP and em], then homework at home.

because my life is in rotation, rolling onwards and upwards towards the horizon; gleaming over the mountains. the sun is setting, and i, prespiring success and sweating dedication, still push. into the dusk, i will keep pushing over the mountains, for when the dawn emerges from the side i have left the night before, i will wake to a new day.
     Read 1 - Post
02:29pm 15/05/2008
mood: man, i've gots'ta pee!
hello, world. i'm still here.

i have neglected the world wide web for some time. spring semester was quite invasive and time consuming. i visited facebook and myspace and some livejournal sporatically during the latter half of the school year, but not as frequently as i have done so in the past.

in a nut shell:

- i got all A's in history II, government II, biology, and my first english.
- my GPA is a 3.879, now.
- yes; i'm kind of amazing.
- i'm taking my second english and second biology during the summer.
- then, american lit, social problems, lifespan and development, and some computer class this fall.
- by spring of '09, i will graduate with my associates and move onto A&M for my bachelor's.
- PIP will be done with his RN by spring of '09, too.
- emeri's WALKING and had his first birthday [+ party] last month. it was a splendid time.
- his incisors are cutting right now, and he's getting his molars pretty soon.
- he's a big fuss-face at the moment. : (
- he's also getting his first hair cut TODAY! it's going to be nerve racking, but philip got off work early to assist with the escapade.
- i've gained seven pounds since my birthday, and i shouldn't be ok with it; however, something has come over me, and i just don't care, and i am annoyed with myself about that. it's weird. i'm weird.
- philip and i are taking a little vacation next weekend to schlitterbahn [sp?]. i'm working out everyday to get into bikini shape [because i'm no where NEAR this physical goal]. this, really, has only been taking place for the past week, so it's not like i'll be MILF ready, but i think it's moreso putting my esteem at ease.
- the + side: i bought a new swimsuit and it is HOT. it's from victoria's secret and pale yellow, with these roses and an anchor. sounds stupid, but it's totally adorable.
- my ass can't pull off the hotness, though. like, literally my ASS. it's so small and wee and not cute, and the bottoms are bunchy and doesn't fit.
- while we are in the san antonio area, PIP and i are going to this exhibit at some museum where they take cadavers and fill certain body parts with colored wax, so you can look at different body systems and muscles and stuff. it's going to be real neat! i can't wait. sounds morose, but i'm pretty stoked about the whole ordeal.
- i saw bonnie at club sixx the other night, and it made my LIFE. geez louise, i miss that lesbian. she kind of completes my psyche. the most wondiferous part is that we can spend eons apart, and she can still read my emotions and translate my actions to a T.
- since school has been out, i've been able to be with emeri EVERYDAY, ALL DAY, and i LOVE it. i was nervous i wouldn't be able to, because we are in a program called Work Source, which gives us financial aid for his daycare. the program, however, has certain requirements: he cannot be out for more than three day in a row without a doctor's excuse and cannot be out for more than thirty days in the year. in order to keep his "vacation" days available for emergencies, i would have to have him in at least for an hour each day. with the cost of gas, i really didn't want to have to drop him off, waste time for an hour, and then pick him up, have his nap schedule all off, and get sick from the sesspool of germs known as "daycare."
- the manager is covering for us, though, and marking him there for me. what a doll! now, we hang out all day long, and, again, I LOVE IT!
- he has his FIRST DENTIST APPOINTMENT on monday. makes me nerrrrvous! i wonder if they're going to use laughing gas on him... i remember using that when i was younger, but i don't know how young they will use it. gives me anxiety!
- one thing i am not going to enjoy about next weekend will be the fact that i will be gone from friday to sunday, and my son will be at home. it'll be the longest i've gone without seeing him. PIP thinks it'll be good for us, and it's for his birthday [which was may 11].
- still, i'll miss my little booger.

other than all of this, life is pretty... manageable. it's not GREAT, nor does it currently SUCK; it's just there. emeri makes it GREAT, but that only makes life GREAT during our time together. during his naps and the night, life is just blah.

philip's friends, derek and warren, are having their graduation party this saturday. philip, and his friends, want me to go, but i really don't want to have emeri stay at the pena's, especially since he'll be staying there all next weekend. nick's mom is trying to convince me to get over it and be young, but waking up to my son's smile is worth not going out. however, it is their graduation and derek will be leaving the day afterwards for houston. he already has a job waiting for him at sysco, i believe, in a high up position. i'm still considering the whole idea.

tomorrow night is boomer's birthday dinner. i'm going to enjoy that night out, though. jamy's having a 90's themed birthday party, and i am TOTALLY STOKED about that! my initial idea was going as Patty Mayonaise, but i'm reconsidering it because i don't know if i want to be in a long sleeve shirt and leggings in the middle of corpus christi's summer heat.

when you think of female pop icons from the 90's, who do you think of?
[and not madonna.]

some other ideas of mine:
- clarissa explains it all
- claire daines from My So Called Life
- left-eye
- daria
- the pink power ranger

i'm still thinking, though.
any ideas?

and i PROMISE that pictures will be up by the end of the week. i need to pick some out, anyway, because i'm starting on emeri's first year scrapebook! the best year EVER!
     Read 3 - Post
11:41am 20/03/2008
  last week, i had a bio exam and lab practical - on the same day. it was bullshit. i procrastinated REALLY studying for it, and crammed tuesday and wednesday night for the exams on thursday. i mean CRAM cram. i didn't sleep till five o'clock in the morning on both nights [well, mornings?]. my head was all a-buzz and nursed monsters to keep me afloat in the ocean of life.
i guess it was all worth it because i made a 94 on the exam and an 80 on the practical. it was a lot better than my first exam grade: a 68. everyone did terrible on that exam, though. i think there was ONE B in our class. it was my lowest grade on anything since i've begun my college career, so that was a big fat bummer.

i also got a 98 on my Hercules paper, even though i turned it in hella late. i straight up told my professor i wasn't turning it in. i wasn't done. it didn't meet MY standards. he looked at my computer and saw that it was already 10 pages, and said "jacqueline - what am i to do with your novels?" the finished draft was 14 pages, mostly written in a manic fury. i'm pretty satisfied with it. haven't started Samson, yet. i think it's due in two weeks.

government starts on monday. WOOOPIE! pretty stoked because i love the course and the teacher. sucks that i've been so packed with homework and i haven't even started all my classes! i guess i'm going to have to stop procrastinating, huh?

i had a dentist appt. yesterday and philip let me use his car because my dad was using mine. after i got my teeth cleaned, PIP called me saying he didn't have to stay at work because they had too many people there. the drop-in rate at em's daycare is $40 a day, and he had only been there for 30 minutes. PIP and i decided to have a day to ourselves to get out money's worth. we went to the mall because PIP needed to buy some new sunglasses. he ended up buying me some really cute underwear from victoria's secret. YES!

he was pointing to some things asking me if i'd wear them for him. i said not in my shape. sure, i'm at an acceptable weight [for most people - but y'know me; never satisfied], but i'm so flabby still and just not toned. it's pretty gross. i [and PIP] have noticed i am not as toned as i was when i was doing my CST class last semester. PIP has been trying to convince me in doing a tri this august. i finally settled on telling him i'd wear the PIP-selected garments on his birthday [the eleventh of may] for him, but i'll need to start working out now. which led to the agreement to do the tri in august. this is totally nerve racking because i am one.) not very active, let alone, two.), ride bikes! i learned how to ride a bike when i was eleven years old, way behind everyone else. i can't remember the last time i rode a bike. but - i will be training at least four times a week for the next few months. i'm just excited i'll be one hot mom.

PIP and i went running, yeterday, and did some ab work. i'm kind of sore, now, but i'm going running, again, today. i'll work out everyday after class, alternating days of running or swimming. i'm pretty excited about it all.

except for the fact that i'll have to stop smoking. that's going to suck. when this actual "stoppage" will start, i don't know. but it's pretty crucial to hitting my peaks in fitness.

i still have a BUUUUUUNNNCCCH of pictures to post. i just haven't gotten around to much, lately.

my life is boring. blah blah blah.

emeri's birthday is coming up! + mine, but i'm not so excited about that.

what is on my mind, though, is the fact that i've always made a personal goal of weighing less by my birthday ever since i was 16. this changed last year because i was pregnant during my birthday, but this year, i don't know if i want to weigh less. it's exciting, losing weight, but i'm so sick of people talking about how i look. i can't stand it. i think i hate it the most because i fear for the comments to stop - which isn't good and only fuels my insanity.
whatever. that's what i say to that.
if i do make a goal i have a little over two weeks to make it. april 3rd. hmm.

emeri's birthday is the 17th! it's nuts to think he's almost a year old. it doesn't feel like it was a year ago. it feels like it was yesterday, and at the same time, like it's been an eternity. we're having a small get together at the pena's on the 19th. the grandparents, aunts, uncle, mommy and daddy, my dad's family and some of PIP's and my friends will be there. then, there's a second party [my aunt debbie's surprise 50th birthday party] at my grandma's, where the rest of my family [mom's side] will be. so, we'll hit up that party after emeri's nap and after we all recuperate. fun stuff.

after PIP and i worked out yesterday, we picked up em and went to the texas state aquarium. emeri LOVED it! he called every moving thing "da-ggy" and "da-ddy" and laughed at the dolphins. oh, man! it was so much fun. i think PIP and i are making it a monthly event. he slid down a slide for the first time, too. he clapped the and screamed the whole time. it was a really great day yesterday.

oh, and i saw the otters doing it! it was nuts! an otter's penis is HUGE compared to his small otter body. it was quite frightening. i'm just glad emeri wasn't old enough to ask about it.

emeri has been napping for the last hour and a half. this is more like him. all last week he was in terrible pain, unbeknown to PIP and i. he had a really stuffy nose and his eyes started getting really swollen. since he hadn't gotten a fever, we figured it was just allergies because of how windy it's been in corpus. then, last thursday, he got a really bad fever and it didn't break till friday night. i took him to the doctor's saturday morning, and it turned out he had a bad ear infection in BOTH ears. i felt like an awful mother! the thing is is that he hadn't hinted to his ears hurting at all. he wasn't tugging at them or anything. i guess it's harder to tell now because he doesn't really drink from bottles much anymore. only in the morning if we're running late and he has his dinner bottle before bed, but even then he wasn't in pain. i felt so bad for not going to the doctor's sooner. he had an antibiotic shot at the doctor's and was given additional antibiotics. he's feeling so much better now! he's finally up and moving and joking and giggling and playing "patty-cake" and catch. he's so amazing.

i love my little boy.

oh, and he took two-steps today!!!

i was trying to bribe him with some puffs and holding them out in my hand. he was holding onto a stool and he let go and gave me this goofy smile. he took one step, and then i guess the next was sort of a step/lunge for the couch to hold onto. it was so cute! he's so close to walking!

and lately he's been REAL SHY. not so much scaredofeverything-shy but bashful-shy. if he hadn't seen his aunt samantha or a couple cousins in a while, he'll kind of peak his head around couch corners or hide behind me and smile and wave slowly. once he just layed down on the floor and peaked his head out from hiding in his arms and hands. he's so goofy!

if you haven't met him, yet, you need to. he's so funny. he's such a goof face.

and i think i'll leave on that note.
     Read 4 - Post
12:14pm 08/03/2008
  ugh. it's been pretty long.

i still have a paper to turn in and finish. i flat out told my teacher i wasn't turning it in on the day it was due. told him i wasn't done with it. it didn't live up to my standards. he looked at my computer and noticed it was already TEN PAGES. he chuckled and said, "whatever you want, jacqueline." i don't know if that was an extension or a disregard, but whatever. it's still not done. whatever. oh, well.

i have a bio exam and lab practical next week. bio exam on thursday morning, eight. practical thursday afternoon, one. it's bullshit. i SHOULD be studying all weekend long for both exams. biology boyfriend/christian [but real name matt], lynn [hunter 2.0; remember him?], this guy carlos, my cousin ashley, and i are getting together i think tonight to study at barnes and nobles. if anyone wants to nonchalantly bump into me there, that's fine. i love running into old folks. i mean former friends/acquaintinces, not old people. even though that's fine, too. whatever. y'know what i mean.

i've been on a date. nice fellow. kind of sucked 'cause it was philip's FRIEND. totally didn't know it was a date until i talked to some people about it and then confirmed it with the before mentioned friend. i'm just really oblivious to this whole dating thing. i don't know how to flirt. can't. don't realize when someone is interested or hitting on me. do you know how many guys i talk to on a daily basis? how many guys just hit up conversation with me? i just talk. hey. what's up. how's life. what's your major. oh, really. that's swell. haha. thanks. you too. whatever. i really don't think much of any of the guys i just randomly bump into on campus, but mostly because i don't think they think much of me.

+ i really want things to work out between PIP and i. more so because of emeri, not because of him. we are two separate people. i love him and enjoy his company and we have such a great time together, when we're not arguing. but, we grew up so differently and as a result it's just so hard to get along and live a life together and all that realtionshipy stuff. it really sucks. it sucks most because i don't really have anyone to talk to because no one has any light to shed. no one is going through the same things. it's helpful to have peoples' shoulders to cry on. it's great to have the support from all my friends. i love you all. but, i'm still at a mix of words and emotions. confused in life.

as a result of philip's and my realtionship coming to a distractive and devastating shithole of an end, some things have occured. behaviors have intervened in my life, once again. totally unexpeccted, unwanted, and intrusive. i'm REALLY back to my old self. i have a love hate relationship with it, but i know if i go into recovery again i'd have to do it by myself, because i've depended on a person before and everything just rushed back once that dependent was uprooted out of my life.

i've become insanely manic. it's ridiculous. i'm smoking a pack a day. not sleeping till one or two. waking up at six. filling out my planner obsessively. things aren't packed; must make them packed. must be busy. busybusybusy. it's nuts.

my clothes fit me the same way again. not just fit me, but are loose. i'm tired of running into people and hearing "wow, you've lost so much weight." i'm tired of being called "skinny," "lucky," "thin." however, at the same time, i couldn't handle gaining weight again. i know it.

there are no EDA meetings in corpus christi. kind of blows. i kind of need it. i'm going to NA meetings, though. i talked to the chair peson at one and she said, "but, that's what it is, honey. an addiction." she congratulated me on my ONE DAY. i got a key tag. JUST FOR TODAY! she hugged me, and i bawled. i couldn't help but cry and cry in her arms. it was the first time i cried in a while. i've been completely emotionless. as i was once before.

it's not even a fact of me trying to neglect my body, it's just happening. nothing seems interesting. the whole act is boring to me. too much time. way too much effort. weird. alien. doesn't mesh well with me. i can't get into the habit anymore. it's weird. it's so second nature. that's the problem.

i'm just so tired of it all.

i have about a million pictures to post, again.
haven't even gotten around to it. have i even posted the ones from super bowl party? yikes-a-moly.

i need to brush my teeth.

this is bogus, man. my highest: 31.2. lowest? 18.9. i don't know what 19.6 makes me feel. scares me. it could be lower. relieves me.
and annoys me.
12:11pm 21/02/2008
mood: i have to pee, again?
i hate stepping on a scale and reading a weight that's lower than i expected. i may be the only person that hates this. i hate looking in the mirror and thinking, "if i weigh this, then why do i look so big?"
and this makes me worry.

or when i eat like a normal person for a while, and i step on the scale and the number hasn't budged. it totally contradicts the last three years of my life. and that makes me feel weird.

and this is on my mind right now.

i still have a milion pictures to post. + more from yesterday for...


yeah, i know. i'm kind of amazing.
ted kennedy and joe kennedy, robert kennedy's son, had a rally on campus for obama. i voted earlier that day in the primary, so i got a VIP ticket to sit on stage with them. it was pretty exciting. i wasn't able to get ted's autograph, but i got joe's. and i took LOTS of pictures.

i am also looking forward to going to barack obama's rally on friday at the american bank center. i've already RSVPed and EVERYTHING. it's pretty exciting!

my english teacher wants me to switch my major to english after he told me i had the "best paper out of all four classes." that's great - i guess. but it only makes me more confused about my future. i've secretly wanted to become a collumist for the last few years. but, i figured it was because of sex and the city, or something. but now this just opens more doors in my mind. i love writing - and this makes deciding to stay with psychology, switch to engineering, or switch to mathematics more difficult because now i'm thinking about the possiblities of being an english major.

oh, life. shut up, will you?

mmmk. my cousin should be getting out of class by now. we have lab at one. fuuun. and i forgot shoes and my safety goggles. oy vey.

for joshCollapse )
do that, folks.
     Read 12 - Post
11:46am 14/02/2008
  nothing new. still have a BAJILLION pictures to post. whatev'.

i'm sitting in the harvin center right now waiting for my cousin to get out of class/lab at one. we had our first biology test on tuesday, and i BOMBED it. my cousin and i were looking at the previous classes grades posted outside our professor's office, and [being the math geek i am, took the stats] 55% of each class got an F! there was only one A and 6 B's our of 42 people. the rest were C's, D's, and, the majority, F's. is that not ridiculous???

i hate this class - i like the subject, but his teaching method is so terrible! we do a chapter every class, and he makes this powerpoint, and kind of goes in detail on each little point. the problem is is that while you're writing down the notes from the powerpoint, he's lecturing. so, you're missing everything he's saying because you're writing down notes - that don't even explain anything!

i need to get a tape recorder, but i don't want to spend the money on one. i just want to complain.

we had a comprehensive exam on the first six chapters. it was just a WHOLE lot of information that we never even put to use. he just gives us all these notes and facts, but we never actually use the information in context. there's a little CD-ROM that comes with the book, and my cousin and i did a few pre-tests from it. the tests were, like, 25 questions, and we tried answering them by using our notes, but our notes were completely USELSSS. we ended up reading the entire chapter [which our prof. said we didn't really need to do; "just study the notes"] and it took HOURS. we ended up only doing the first two chapters and some of the third. there was, like, eight questions on the actual EXAM that pertained to the tests we did - i'm pretty sure that if we did all six, we would have done better.

i got a D. ashley got an F. bullshit - that's what it is.

not only that, but my classmates were like "i thought you'd ace it" because i'm always asking questions and answering things and participating in discussions in class. and that sucks - that they thought i, of all people, would do better. and i didn't. suck fest.

my cousin and i are planning on doing the pre-test to each chapter after we reviewed it in class. then, studying our notes from those before the next test. it would just be easier if he gave us, like, a mini-quiz after each chapter, or maybe tests on every three chapters, or something. it's so stupid. i'm so over it already.

+ i've been thinking about switching majors [and can't seem to let go of my love for psychology, my current major] and both degree plans i'm thinking about require PHYSICS over biology.

this makes me angry because i wanted to take physics and philip was like "well, if you're going into the medical field, you'll be needing bio anyways, so you might as well just do it now." and i was like "true. you're so right. i love you." blahblah
i should have just taken physics. stupid philip.

but not so stupid. the bastard got me a great valentine's day gift, which makes it even harder to hate him. he bought me the soundtrack to JUNO [which i've been wanting to get, but didn't want to spend any money] and Across the Universe [which i also wanted to have so i could get my fix if i was in the car or at school]. and a thumb drive, because i had a fiasco with a floppy disk, and my internet was being all wonky and i could send myself the paper. it was very thoughtful, and i never expect philip to be thoughtful [about anyone other than himself]. it was nice.
stupid philip.

ugh - so, that's on my mind right now.

oh, and Christian [formerly referred to as Biology Boyfriend] is a christian, which i originally assumed. he looks like someone who would be a straight edge christian who does the "cool" religion thing and goes to youth groups and christain rock band concerts with "ILY" hand signs in the air, head bent, eyes closed, shaking with faith. i don't know if that is him, but when we got out of the test, a few of us were gathered around and he was like "well, i first went to a christian high school..." and "i've been reading this science book called A Case of Faith..." so, now his name is Christian [formerly Biology Boyfriend, but really Matt].

i don't have a disliking towards religious folks, but i'm sure that they'd have one against me, being a single teen mom and all. with piercings and tattoos. also, i was raised catholic and always attended a traditional mass. i've never been real keen on the whole "jesus is COOL!" vibe that some churches sell. it's like their bribing people into coming to church. "we've got songs! and bands! and fun activites! religion is awesome! find jesus, because it's COOL!" it is cool, but i just like to have a peaceful and spiritual experience during prayer and worship, without all the bells and whistles.

and that's also on my mind.
and i have to pee.

tonight i WAS planning on having this girl night with jamy and jessica and ashley and rich and boomer and WHOEVER else. HOWEVER, i don't think i'll be doing that. my dad is taking out a lady and will be using the taurus instead of his company truck, leaving me without a vehicle. and i'm usually the transportaion. + boomer is doing something with his mom, i think. and jessica's husband is in town. so... i don't know what to do. philip wants to just hang out at the house and make dinner and be cute. i kind of want to watch all three seasons of the office and wish i could meet the guy that Jim's character is based on.

i love watching The Office and living vicariously through Jim and Pam. it's so exciting!!!

i've come to desire the lives of fictional characters. dear god, i'm pathetic.

on another note:
ashley and i are not sure if Christian is gay. he's christian, so i'm sure he isn't. but sometimes he has a strand of fruity in his voice, and he stands kind of "hippy" sometimes.

oh, and my cousin is out of class and lab starts in soon.
i guess this is Good Bye?
     Read 3 - Post
02:54pm 08/02/2008
  i haven't posted in EVER. i keep thinking about doing so, too.
i need to post pictures up. because i have a MILLION. some of me, too. weird!

life in a nut shell:
- sucks.
- minus emeri. he kind of makes my world complete.
- philip ruined my perception of family just like janie did seven years ago. i have yet to forgive her and probably never will.
- i HATE asshole drivers.
- and the fact that i've been ending topics of conversation with either "i don't even know, dude" or "dude, i don't even know." it's so annoying.
- mental diseases.
- rich, coke icees, and gay clubs.
- loneliness.
- Across the Universe [is fucking awesome].
- stupid people at school.

my back pack got stolen. i left my car doors unlocked and someone snatched. it's a good thing that the only thing financially valuable in there was one book [that was only sixteen bucks] and my ritalin. sucks that all my notes for class was there - and i had a test two days later in history and one in biology on tuesday.
that blows.

and i need to go get my ritalin filled again, which takes a big long process of annoyances because my insurance doesn't cover it because of my eating disorder. it's understandable - but i'm still complaining about the whole ordeal.

i gave up procrastination for lent.
i also want to be more spiritual. not so much religious, but just have faith. in me. in life. i'm finishing up my communion that was put on hold when i was seven.

i just want to be happy, again. i wish i was oblivious to the way philip felt about me, still. i wish i was in ignorant bliss.

he hasn't told any of his friends. i don't know why. his friend mickey told me [after i corrected him when he called me PIP's girlfriend] that he probably feels embarrassed. who knows?

there's this most adorable guy in my biology class, who i've already dubbed Biology Boyfriend. not like i'm thinking about dating any time soon [or ever, for that matter], but i just think he's the most adorable guy that i've ever seen and i get so bashful around him. he's like the rivers quomo [sp?] [lead singer from weezer] version of Mark from RENT. his name is Matt Smith, and it's so generic, i love it. i always catch him staring at me in class and he offered to e-mail his typed notes since mine were in that bag that was stolen.

there are some people in life that just make me so nervous to be around because their vibe is just so intimidating. he is the most recent one i've been around. another would be Kenneth Avila. and Shay Spence [who i'm pretty sure made me bashful since birth]. and Subway Boyfriend. [who's name is actually Michael. he's really stupid, and now has a full time beard. which is disgusting! and works as a peircer at axis now. btw.] and that's all i can think of. people who i know i could never attain, attract, or for that matter, speak coherently to without blushing hardcore or saying something incredibly stupid.

how does someone do that?? i don't even know, man.

but, Biology Boyfriend is now making me stumble through class and even though i'm not expecting anything to happen out of this [or, for that matter, knowing that nothing will ever happen], he has a really cute lab partner that is petite and gorgeous and just as quirky as him, and it totally bums me out.
which doesn't make sense to me.

and i think i'm just manifesting any incident that goes on through my day as a metaphor to the status of me and philip. this ultimately bums me out.

sometimes i feel the only thing that keeps me not cursing the heavens is emeri. after months of saying "dadadadadadadadada!" and "bababababababababa!" he's saying "ma ma!" not a million times, but "MA-MA."
and i'll say, "what is it, my precious?" or "yes, my love?" look up from the dishes, and see him grinning through mashed up peas or bananas as he claps his hands and gets food all over the floor.
all i need is my little guy. that's all i need.
     Read 2 - Post
01:27pm 19/01/2008
  classes are great. i like my english professor, and the ladies who sit around me. i think we're doing a lot of group work in that class, so it's nice knowing i like my group. they're older ladies, so i know they won't bail out on studying or doing work.
i came to find out that my cousin Ashley and i have the same bio class, which is really cool. that guy who looks like hunter and used to compete with us, Hunter 2.0, is also in our class. i told ashley about kaitlin's flub when she said he played "retarded" really well, and it turned out he was a normal character and just so happened to have five speech impediments. and then we laughed our selves silly.
my history professor laughs a lot, and makes little jokey remarks and says "just kidding!" real fast. she's a hoot. cracks me up.
i don't have government till second session, so it's kind of annoying that i have this HUGE space between classes. i have no life and play text twist or compare people via facebook for a few hours till either english or my cousin gets out of class.

psh, i'm boring.

philip's doing OB and pediatrics this semester, and got to watch a c-section yesterday! one of the customers at Fleet Feet, the athletic shoe store he works at, works at spohn and offered him a job as a nurse tech for the OR. isn't that cool? he'll only be able to work 12 hours a week, but anything's great right now. he said that the only thing that he hated about watching the cesarean was the smell of burning flesh. a lot of surgeries use lasers to cut, and he was so not prepared for it. he says it was completely undescribable and disgusting. made him feel ill all day.

mmm, other than that, life's pretty boring and same 'ol same 'ol. rich came over last night to hang out and eat macaroni grill in my living room. he brought me a coke slushie - because he's my awesome gay like that. :)

how 'bouts some pictures? oh, baby!Collapse )
     Read 11 - Post
11:15pm 13/01/2008
  i should be getting to bed. i have class tomorrow. yipeee. i'm still deciding on whether or not that's sarcasm.

i want my nose to be in a book again. i like feeling like i'm good at something. lately, i haven't.

em's getting older. nine months on thursday. it's NUTS! ashley's emma is ten months! this whole time flew by. emeri's growing up too fast. he's cruising along the couches and climbing onto everything, and likes to play on his own a lot. he'll get a toy and bring it to me, and then go fetch another, but that's pretty much all he likes to do with me. that and sleep and eat. it's silly, but i feel he's phasing me out already! like, "he doesn't need me anymore! he's all grown up!" which isn't true, because he needs me like a fat kid needs cake, but he doesn't need me, need me. and it makes me a sad jacqui. : (

this weekend was philip's weekend with emeri. i was convinced into going to austin with my mother and her husband and samantha, so that samantha [who was grounded and HAD to go] wouldn't be in a bad mood the whole time. the whole trip was for my step-sister's shotgun wedding in bastrop. my sister and i are not that close to the step half of our family, so we spent the entire day on the drag shopping. it was great, and i had fun, but i wish i was at home the entire time.

i did get to go to veggie heaven and was hoping to procure a free key chain, but they were out and gave me some tootie frutie flower hangy thing. lame.
so, i bought a shirt, instead.

other stories of that. and pictures. i wish i had taken more, but i didn't. i'm not the same with picture taking anymore, and not only does it sadden me, but i'm sure it saddens some people who looked forward to my picture posts. like max pierce. i'm sure he doesn't read livejournal anymore, but i know he always liked them. and my journal isn't exciting, important or even relevent to people and i know it really felt like my journal was something other than waste on peoples' friends' pages. so, apologies. maybe i'll take some random pictures throughout tomorrow to spice up the upcoming picture post.
i'll SUPRISE you.

oh, again to not knowing if i'm excited about this term or not. last semester i took a lot of fun classes. algebra, psychology - much fun. CST - more fun. history, speech - whatever. this semseter, i'm taking my least favorite classes. HISTORY. ENGLISH. BIOLOGY. GOVERNMENT. i take that back, i like government. and it's not that i DON'T like english, because i love grammar and i LOVE writing, but i hate literature. well, reading something i'm not into because i have to.
i'm really picky when it comes to the novels i read. i'm a novel snob.
but i hate history. and biology is a lot of memorization, and i'm so not looking forward to that.

and, uh, that's pretty much it. emeri has to go back to day care. suckfest. back to runny noses and days of No Naps, again. bummer city.

staying home with emeri has lead me a lot of time NOT to eat. i usually like to eat WITH him, because if i'm eating around him, he sees i'm eating and grabs food out of my hand. so, we had breakfast, lunch, and dinner together. except, i was full-time feeding him and part-time feeding myself during these meals of 15 minutes, so i was mostly snaking all the time. little snacks. and now my stomach has shrunk to something of a horrible small amount, because i can't even binge on two whole pancakes without getting stomach cramps. which sucks.
because pancakes are the best.

i've also OFFICIALLY lost my 60 lbs. of baby weight. which brings me at a grand finale of 120, i think. i haven't weighed myself since friday. or saturday. or something. but, that's just what i guesstimated my starting weight was. because, really, at conception, i believe i was around 112.
and what bugs me the most is that i don't look any thing like 120.
which totally takes all the gratification of losing the weight.

which brings me to my final point: i hate the fact that i used to be REALLY skinny - because that's all i can think about.
     Read 6 - Post
02:22pm 03/01/2008
mood: my stomach hurts.
i'm all up for extremely uninteresting, never-will be read surveys.
thanks christie.Collapse )

i think for the next month or so, i will be in a perpetual state of depression.
the one thing that sucks the most is that i'm not hungry, but i'm eating random things. like slices of ham and cool whip and pecans. never full meals.

philip wants to alternate days instead of a couple of days with emeri, and i'm worried it may be too hard on him. i hate this whole situation - that's what i hate. but that's another time and i won't bore you.

it was my first weekend alone last weekend, and it was weird. i hung out with jamy and rich [together] last friday, and it was real nice.
i wish i took some pictures of us. i don't do that much anymore. take pictures of stuff. i used to be a picture taking machine. i used to be a lot of stuff. saturday i went to see Sweeney Todd with kaitlin and jamy. i wish i hung out with them longer, but i had to clean up at home and kaitlin was packing for austin. Sweeney Todd was good, gorey and violent, but really good. great talent.

sunday i went out with my mom and got a really short haircut. i've been growing out my hair sometime, and i decided i was going to let it grow a little longer and donate to Locks of Love since i learned they accept dyed hair, too. i was finally getting fucking sick of it and went on the web site to see if it was long enough to donate - there i learned they don't accept BLEACHED HAIR, which mine was.
so, that blew.

so, i decided to just cut all the bleached part off and start all over again, and my mom walked into regis with me and convinced me to go shorter - then shorter - and even shorter. so, now i look like katie holmes.
and i'm pretty pleased with it. she thinned me out real well, and it doesn't take much styling, which i'm all up for. and that's that.

new year's eve i hung out with that guy i tutored this last semester. i had lots of invites from various people, but i think i needed just something completely new to get my mind off of things. philip said i could still come to nick's party, but made it clear he wouldn't be kissing me at midnight - and being around him would have made me feel more depressed.

derek invited me to his brother's friend's house, and there were a lot of family and friends there. there was about 20 kids just running on rampage throughout the house, and a few older ladies and i were talking about how tacky and irresponsible it was. after midnight, we went over to one of derek's friend's house and they played pool in their garage. there was about tenish people there, and it was real chill.
it was really annoying, though, because he was real touchy and very flirty. and i wasn't really for that at all.

when i came home, philip called me and we talked for a while, derek called on the other line and said he was going to come back to drop off his Super Bad DVD. i ran outside to pick it up, and philip was still on the line in my hand. derek told me he didn't want to go, "i don't want to go. i want you to come home with me."
"well, i'm not." and we both kind of laughed it off, and philip was all outraged and jealous. which just made me more annoyed because he left me, and i know he still cares, but not the same way i care about him.

PIP ended up coming over and we talked, and drank, and made bad mistakes.

and that's what my year started off with - bullshit.

i picked up emeri the next morning from the pena's, and had a pretty good new year's day with him. i love my little guy - he's the only thing that keeps me sane and going.

so, whatever - here's some pictures.Collapse )</center>

that's it. nothing interesting. not a lot.

next weekend, philip will have emeri and i'm trying to cram as much stuff as i want to do in there. monday or wednesday i will be driving to PINNACLE, meeting some guy named Davis, and telling describing to him the design for a tattoo. wednesday or this weekend, if it's good enough, i will be getting it done. if not - whatever.

friday, boomer and jamy's show opens... i forget the name, but i hear it's very funny, jamy has to play herself and hates it, and boomer and her make out like it's hot. very fun.
i'll be going to that.

i also get my money in on friday, and it's kind of cool because now DMC has a debit card they'll be putting all my grants on. so, i'll be getting books and school supplies this weekend. and probably some grocery shopping.

I LOVE SCHOOL SUPPLY SHOPPING! and grocery shopping.

and i think that's pretty much it.
stupid photobucket.
     Read 6 - Post
11:42am 27/12/2007
mood: content, for the time being.
last night, i started a puzzle. i'm half way done, and it reminded me about the days in the hospital. scott and martin used to call me "the puzzle queen."
that and "she-squatch" because we weren't allowed razors and my legs were really hairy, and you could tell through the holes in my jeans.
i miss the hospital. everything was so cookie cutter. so routine:
5:45 AM - vitals [blood preassure, temp] meds.
6:10 - smoke break.
eight was breakfast. noon was lunch. five was dinner. snacks in between. smoke breaks, too. we had ten smoke breaks in the day. i smoked two cigarettes at each - smoking a pack a day. i asked my dad and philip to bring me cigarettes, so they didn't know how much i was actually smoking.
martin said "i feel like all we do here is eat and do puzzles."
i ate the bran flakes from my raisin bran. no milk. no raisins.
carrots from the salad bar. mustard - lots of it. some cucumbers. maybe some lettuce.
i never ate from the hot food section. drank lots of coffee. maybe 64 oz a day, but it was really bad coffee. weak.

and i did puzzles. lots of them. my dad brought me some more, after we did all of them. i miss doing puzzles. i miss scott and martin. i miss my ways.

i could really use all those right about now. and i am.

so, pictures - yes?
right herre.Collapse )

ta da! lots of pictures. very nice.
just in time, because em woke up from his nap. good nap, too. almost two hours.

i'll post later about some recaps of the past couple days. perhaps more pictures. what emeri and i got. i was very pleased.
my cousin donated for Toys for Tots for me! and gave me the picture! i was so excited!
that was quite possibly my best gift.
     Read 2 - Post
10:15am 19/12/2007
Good Morning, Vietnam!

way to start off a post, eh?

i've fallen off the face of the earth for a while. finals sucked. i studied and studied and had to catch up in history. the total outcome of this semester is:
College Algebra - A
Psychology - A
Public Speaking - A
Cardio and Strength Training - A
History - B
added to my A in Government last semester, brings my total GPA to a 3.7somethingoranotherdecimals. it would have been pretty awesome if i made ALL a's, but i fucking hate history. he actually had put a C and i e-mailed him telling him according to his syllabus, i should have had a B. he was pretty condescending when he e-mailed me back - well, as much as one can be in an e-mail. i guess i deserved it because i was pulling a Mary Bishop.

whatever. batman forever.

emeri is doing GREAT. he's already two thirds of a year old! how exciting! can you believe a little more than eight months ago he was still inside my belly, kicking and being rambunctous? now he's just outside kicking and being rambunctous. he's gaining his motor skills back really well, but i always wonder where he would be at milestone-wise if he didn't have two weeks of down-time. he's starting to pull himself up to standing and is "cruising," the baby books name for walking along the edges of couches and ottomans and stuff. good stuff! the only problem that's been going on is that whenever someone eats in from of him he gets all whiney and wants some, too, so we all sit at the table with him in his high chair, eating crackers and drinking juice from his sippy cup, while we eat our meals - so he doesn't feel left out.
he's so spoiled rotten, sometimes. BUTILOVEIT!

he's also been giving me kisses a lot. they're big open-mouth-on-my-nose kisses, but drooly full of love! he's so precious.

i have about a million pictures to post, too. some from before emeri was sick. like, a month of pictures. it's quite insane. i need to do that sometime - whenever.

i feel like i'm pregnant allover again. not because i am, but because i'm an emotional wreck. philip left me. it really sucks. my parents think i should talk about it as much as i can to help me cope. this is me coping, i guess. he hadn't been acting like himself, lately, and when i finally confronted him he confessed that he was falling out of love with me. and that was that. i love him so much - i kills me to think i'm not going to be his wife anymore. but, there's nothing i can do if i'm not his someone. he needs to be happy to, and that's not with me.

sucks for me, i 'spose.

i keep going in and out of moods where i'm optimistic that everything will be fine, and then bursting out in tears. i decided to walk around the mall with emeri yesterday to get me out of the house and my mind on other things, but i kept crying randomly. i'm pretty sure i was the most pathetic person there, and that's a bold statement to say about Corpus Christi's Padre Staples Mall.

yes, i'm stilly funny.

he's like my best friend, and i know that whatever happens we will still be as close as my parents are. they divorced before my second birthday, and my mom was the first person my dad called when him and his girlfriend broke up last month. they've always been really close, still. and that'll be me and philip - except i'm really planning on not dating any any anyanyanyany time soon and i associate years of my childhood with whoever my mom was dating that birthday. one.] i don't want to have to put em through that. this moments right now map out the next twenty years of his personality. i'm so fucked up because my family background, and i know that. like hell will i make that same mistake. two.] i've always wanted to just focus on my education and my family - and now my family has just reduced to me and emeri. and three.] like hell am i going to put myself in the position of getting rejected again. the father of my son just labelled me as "not-good-enough," and i'm pretty sure that if i'm not the one for THAT man in my life, no John Doe is going to find me worthy.

however, i feel like i'm in some crappy movie. i've never really broken up with anyone, i've always been dumped. but by the time they dumped me, i didn't really care for the relationship anymore and said my "c'est la vie"s and went on with life. this is the only time where i didn't see THIS coming, and anytime i ask for an explanation i've been given the "it's not you, it's me" and the "you're too good for me."
"if i'm too good for him, then why am i not with him??"
thank you, brittany murphy.

but i can see his sencerity. he really does care for me, and doesn't want to hurt me. i can't hold him back from happiness. it just hurts so much to know that i can't bring him that happiness.

this holiday fucking sucks.

but, we are both making the best of it. he's still living over here, because he doesn't want to be so far from emeri, and i'm going to watch him during the day anyway. it's just easier on all of us. we've just taken separate rooms, now. the weekends he stays at his parents, and every other weekend he has emeri. we've been kind to each other, and he always asks me if i'm alright, and i say "no." and start crying. and he can't look at me and he says sorry as his lip quivers.

and now i feel like i'm living a role in some Made-For-TV Lifetime Movie. but i guess for that to really be true, i'd have to be some crack head and philip will have to be an alcoholic skin head - or whatever's on those movies.

my sister tried to get my mind off of it and her and i went to see The Toadies last night. it was pretty rad, being The Toadies. i didn't know if they had come with anything new, so i was just hoping they'd only play a few songs from any new albums, and just a lot of old stuff - but it turns out they only played old stuff. and that ROCKED. and jammed my flip-flops off. and saw a few familiar faces.

and then i came home and SERIOUSLY could not sleep. my mind was thinking a tasteless combination of great aspirations and shitty feelings, and i look like ET for crying this whole last week. so, thank you, Toadies, but you only helped minnimally.

and i really don't want to hear any comments to THIS situation because the comments i've heard range from "he's scum!" to "everything will be fine." and he's not scum, he's the love of my life - and he can't help but feel the things he feels. he's couragous for being honest with me and handling this like the mature man he is. and i know everything will be fine - this just sucks right now. but just for now. or a year. or whatever.

also, i'm doing this to cope, because that's what psychologists tell people with crappy experiences or phobias. talk about it. just keep talking about it. it will get easier and easier, if only by fractions, and eventually be pie.

ALSO, i find the fact that i'm a single TEEN mom extrememly embarassing, and i'd rather no one reitterate anything relative to that fact. i've hit an all time low - maybe i'll die young, because i think the any lower i can get is meth addict and distributor and then suicide bomber.

i think as a result of this, i may have to switch majors, which really sucks. the idea of being married to philip relieved me of the worry of having to go to school for ten years for my masters, then doctorate. because he has a year left of nursing school, so i needed to not worry about our careers. NOW, however, i don't think going to school for my masters will be as easy, and especially not as pre-med, and i think that i should just focus on my bachelors, establish a career, and maybe think about going for further schooling. as a result, i could maybe get my LPC or become a service worker, but i really don't know how much i would enjoy that, compared to JUST being a psychologist.

i came to the conclusive decision TO DECIDE whether or not to switch my majors to just engineering - something my algebra professor wanted me to do anyway. i'd still enjoy it, because it's mostly math and physics. + A&M has a great engineering program, and perhaps i'll be taught by Dr. Vassel, again and try to get her to say "JAMAICAN ME CRAZY!" one more time.
and perhaps that's the only motivation i'd need.

and tomorrow i'm getting a tattoo. maybe. it's an idea i've been thinking for awhile, and jess wants to get it for me for christmas, but it depends on how well this guy's work is and how well his sketch will be. otherwise, i'll just get something else from jessica.

and i want to get a hair cut, but i have to wait till it's long enough for Locks of Love, because i want to donate it. we did these persuassive's for speech class, and now all i can think about donating. i already have a few people just donating to Toys for Tots instead of getting me a present. actually, they're supposed to frame pictures of them DONATING. i really didn't have anything i wanted or needed - except clothes.
and karma, you still haven't proved yourself buddy. here i am being charitable, jerk.

on the point of clothing: i need some. do cords stretchc easily? i bought some this semester, and now they're really loose and baggy - and i don't know if it's because they're cords or what. also, i've lost a few pounds and it kind of irks me because, i wasn't trying to. and i hate that because when i think back "oh, how did i loose that last five pounds? i'll do that!" but this time i don't know how it happened, it just did - so, next time i get fat, i don't know what to do.

i lost nearly twenty pounds this semester, and one thing i hate about it - is that i don't look it. that bugs me. maybe it was mostly muscle mass or something.

really i'm just rambling to get my mind off of things - and now i will read the five kajillion posts on my friends' page in hopes of completing the same goal.
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10:18pm 23/11/2007
  these past weeks have been... interesting.

- friday, i saw Twelfth Night. jamy was splendiforous [duh] and amazing - 'cause that's how she do. that night i went out to dinner with the cast and my younger sister, samantha. after hearing some rumors there were no techies for A Christmas Carol, my louie tattoo was blinking and i felt the call to do some major technical ownage. however, that all depended on the wife [philip] and he was asleep when i had gotten home. so, i didn't talk about it with him till the next morning.

- saturday, philip told me he told me to do what i wanted, but he didn't think it was a good idea. so, i decided to think about it. i was booked all day. i had a few prelim rounds to judge at Ray's tourney, then a bridal shower to go to at noon, and a couple final rounds to do before i headed on home. for some reason i thought the tournament would be more fun, but i think it was because i thought i'd have more time to hang out with some old friends. turns out i was just in boring rounds all day long... like how competeing was. i don't know how i didn't see that one coming. the bridal shower was alright. i like having Jessica B. [soon to be P.] as a friend. i hope we keep hanging out after CST is over. that night, i didn't get home till eightish, and em was already asleep. i was extrememly delighted when he began screaming in his sleep [probably from a bad dream] so that i may go in and whisk him from his nightmare and craddle him in my arms. i knew that i couldn't do a show; not now at least. i'd miss my son way too much.

- sunday, philip and i noticed emeri wasn't improving much from his flu shot he had nov. 8th. his personality came back more, but he was still pretty lifeless his waist down. it was so sad because this same little boy was crawling around everywhere days before his flu shot! PIP and i decided to make another appointment with dr. buck. he wasn't available till wed. though.

- monday came and went. philip and i were increasingly nervous about emeri's condition. we decided to make the next available appt. with some other doctor the following morning.

- tuesday, emeri was admitted into the hospital. it was absolutely gut wrenching. after dr. perez examined him, she was worried and called the driscoll's head neurologist. we came into the office thinking we'd just be turned away and we left with orders to go to the admitting office at driscoll's children's hospital. i was crying, and nelda rushed to the admitting area right away. she held me while i sobbed, thinking of all things terrible that could be going wrong.
the crib was absolutely horrifying. it was all metal and was really tall. it was like the crib for prison babies, or something. the one thing i hated about the whole thing was that driscoll's is a teaching hospital and i had to explain emeri's medical history about 27 bazillion times to different interns. we were told that they thought he had this rare thing called gyllenbarr [sp?] syndrome. it's corelated to the flu shot and is a progressing muscle weakness that can extend to the diaphram and esophogus. it's totally temporary, but if it got too high, there may be trouble breathing or swallowing and wanted him there for observation. to make sure it was gyllenbarr syndrome, they'd have to do a spinal tap.
they drew blood to test for various things. after visiting with dr. deline, the neurologist, she told us about his blood results showing inflamation somewhere. she noticed some tender spots on his spine and said that if it was gyllenbarr syndrome, we'd see a variety of muscle weakness and it was just his lower extremeties for over a week already. she wanted him to get an MRI to rule out some more daunting things like growths, tumors, or bleeds. she had a hunch that it was discitus, which is inflamation between two discs in the spine, because of his blood results. an MRI would have to be done with anastesia because emeri would have to keep still for over an hour. putting someone so young under is extremely risky, but the doctors told us that because he's been such a healthy baby to date, his risk was about the same as being driven in a car. because of his MRI, he couldn't eat for about twelve hours prior to the procedure so he had to be put on an IV. i didn't want to have to see him get poked, and philip went home that night because he had an exam that morning. after they took x-rays of his hipflexors and both legs [twice] they took him away for me for THIRTY MINTUES and he came back, eyes swolen from crying, with a bored and IV attatched to his right hand. his left was bruised with the nurses previous attempts.

- wednesday, was a very cranky day for emeri. he couldn't sleep in the new environment and couldn't snuggle with an IV in his hand. he and i and philip [who couldn't stand to be at home] didn't get any sleep. we were whisked away for his MRI about 9:30 and waited in the surgery waiting room for what seemed like forever. when the old lady called out "EMILY PENA!" i shot up, not even noticing the fact that she mispronounced his name. he was carried out almost two hours later. i snatched him from the nurses hands at once and hung on to him for dear life. i was so glad he was back in my arms again. his MRI came back clean, which was a good sign. his final diagnosis was discitus and with some home-physical therapy exercises, motrin [ibprofin and anti-inflamatory] and time he'll be back to his rambunctous self! we finally came back home eight that night.

even though it was just a day and a half, it was the scariest thing i've had to deal with. my heart sunk when i heard "admitted" and dropped even lower when i heard "MRI." he's coughing a bit because of the tube they had to stick down his throat during the MRI, but he's doing MUCH better. he's rolling over more and more, bears some weight on his legs, again, and is even back to scooting. he has to relearn a few things, but he's already getting back his spunk. all in all: i survived the first [and hopefully last and only] hospital stay.

- thursday, spent t-day with philip's family. emeri napped really well and joined us at the table. he even ate some turkey and sweet potato baby food. he took very well to the holiday and festivites. we went by my family's house for an hour before we finally head home. i can tell emeri got a kick from it.

- today, emeri's not so hot. he's been fussy all day, and i haven't the reason why. he was fine this morning, but after skipping a whole half hour on his first nap, his whole schedule was messed up and he couldn't nap for more than thirty minutes the whole day. i told my family i'd stop by and hang out, but i wish i hadn't because emeri wasn't taking it very well. he was just so irritable and clingy. he's getting his two top teeth [he already had his bottom two!] and wasn't in the mood for anything because of stupid teething. he didn't even enjoy his bath time, which is very unlike him because he LOVES being naked.
and in the midst of writing this, he woke up screaming, and philip and i found him with vomit all over himself. he ate banana and strawberries earlier this morning, and the last time he ate that, he threw up, too. he doesn't have a fever or rash, so i guess i'll just wait and see how he is feeling in the morning.

he didn't enjoy his second bath, either.

i finally caught up with the housework. it was driving me absolutely NUTS that jessica is so MESSY. if she didn't live here, our home would be a lot neater and easier to care for. it's so disgusting and i had to clean the entire house just to get over it.
and now! i should be getting on with studying for two exams that are on monday. doing all the make-up work for history [because i missed out so much with the hospital stay] and do the study questions for cardio. and work on my persuasive speech.
i need some ritalin, fast. i wish my insurance company would cover it again. i hate cigna. cigna, i hate you. my ADD is no match for these approaching finals.

and i don't know where the excedrin is.
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10:55pm 14/11/2007
  mmm, kay. i guess i'm a big fat nerd and everyone knows it.
after algebra today, three people asked if i could help them for the next exam. let's see how that works out, eh?

after leaving manymanymany messages at em's doctor's, i got a phone call from THE DOCTOR instead of some nurse lady or receptionist. dr. buck told me that the flu shot shouldn't make him react like this, and that he's really sorry they didn't get him to come in sooner, that he needed to be seen REAL soon. and then dr. buck wondered outloud: "hope he didn't get a patch of pnemonia..." i'm sure he didn't mean to scare the first time mother, but he did. so, em has an appt. with the doc tommorrow. :(

the toadies got back together. and my sister and i may be going to a show in december. allllriiight.

busybusyBUSY weekend:
- friday, i may be going to jamy's show [depends on em's appt. tomorrow].
- saturday morning, i'm judging prelims for something or another at ray's tourney.
- saturday afternoon, i'm hitting up my NEW friend's bridal shower [i love making new friends! i think this one's a keeper!].
- saturday night, i'll be judging impromptu finals [what it do??? semi-finaler at state! WOOT WOOT!] and some other event.

bang! pow! SMASH! stuff to do!

mmm, turkey trot 5k at school next tuesday. blech blech.
i found out that shawney is ok with us showing up at her tues. and thurs. CST class, so i'm hitting up that tomorrow morning. YIPEE SKIPPEE! and i can bring a friend - so if anyone is up to sweating their ass off with a goofy lady, hit me up G's.

so, i'm watching the office on TBS because i didn't really get into it until recently, and i was watching the episodes where jim tells michael about his crush on pam on the booze cruise. OH! it makes me feel so great watching them two! i always get really into character when i watch TV or movies and everytime something happens, it makes me feel all fuzzy and warm and tingly in my chest, like as if i was having a budding romance. oh, those days. :: sigh :: those were some good days.
philip came home and i was like, "oh, i just love this show! don't you just love watching jim and pam. do you feel like jim? i feel like pam!"
"you feel like you're engaged to a loser who won't set the date and are secretly in love with your co-worker??"
"mmm. well, no."
and then we laughed and said "i feel like jim everyday with you, babe."

no, not really.
but that'd be pretty sweet if he did.
09:49am 13/11/2007
mood: my tummy hurts
have you ever had a flu shot? i don't really know if i have. i'm sure sometime in my life, i have. emeri just got his first one. now that he's six months old, he's elligible, and his doctor suggested to do so because it's safer than him contracting the flu [even though it's REALLY rare for people to actually catch the flu; flu-like symptoms, sure. but the flu? maybe 6 cases a year at one doctors office]. so, we took our odds and thursday morning he go poked.

he took it really well. didn't cry, just made this really adorable-sad-but-cute frown, and was all better. usually they give me some flyers when he gets his vaccinations, explaining what they are, why we get them, common side effects, etc.etc. his vaccinations usually just make his legs swell up and a little tender. sometimes he gets a fever later that night, but only that night that can be cured by a little tylenol.

when i asked if emeri was ok to go back to day care [i had a class] or if there were any side effect i should be aware of, the nurse lady just told me that he may be a little sore on that side of his leg, but otherwise, fine. no flyer, no other advice.

little did i know that emeri was going to be the one of many few that can't tolerate the flu SHOT very well and will have a fever all weekend long, and extremely sore all over his body! he just learned how to crawl a little over a week ago, and now he won't even flip over. he just lays on his back, and because he screams allll niiiighht looonggg, he lets out this high pitched whining noise because he's extremely hoarse. it's so sad. and i hate seeing him this way.

and that was my weekend [and still happening].

i got a 90 on my last psych exam which i thought i was going to do TERRIBLY on. woot! and for our second group project, my group "forgot" to participate, and even though feeling "really bad 'cause you're doing everything!" i ended up writing the enitre assignment, and received a 97! WOOT WOOT! even though on the cover sheet we could have written how much each person contributed percentage wise, i listed them as 100% because 1.) they're good people and i know they really felt bad and 2.) i have to face them everyday! i don't want to be put in that situation!

i met with my advisor and i know what classes i'm going to take. i've only registered for two, because of some online fiasco. i'm going over to the advising office today to square that out.

TJ called me from iraq. twice. it's weird, knowing that he's over there. it's weird talking to him, because he's SO different. i could tell how different and, sane, he became when he stopped doing drugs, and then when he joined the service, he just turned into such a gentleman. it's quite bizarre. it's kind of relieving because he told me that the war isn't as bad as america makes it seem. "really jacqui, all i do is go to people's houses, drink tea, eat pomegranites, and make peace." his platoon [i guess that's what you call it?] shares housing with iraq's army and he eats lunch often with the iraqui[sp?] police.

he called me earlier today, though, and told me that a few miles down from where he lives, terrorists shot through a school. then lightened the conversation asking if i had listened to some band called The Early November. "there's a song called 1000 Times a Day and it reminds me of you."

speaking of music, so Duran Duran came out with an album today called Red Carpet Massacre. there's a song with timberLAKE and timeberLAND in it. the song with justin and timberland is pretty good. i heard one other song, and it's... alright.

but, i tell you one thing:
i will always jam out to HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF.

i'm 17 lbs. away from being the weight i was when i got out of the hospital. it's weird because i actually lost a few pounds there.
go me.

waiting for appointment = survey!Collapse )
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i can't think straight!   
07:36pm 08/11/2007
  my mind has been lost! i'm forgetting words when i'm typing. i'll type a sentence and leave out a few words, so i sound like a caveman. it's ridiculous.

i meet with my advisor on monday to make a transfer degree plan. i'm pretty excited about it. STRUCTURE. i've been getting lots of it - and lovin' it!
i think i'm going crazy, again. whoops.

emeri has been really odd today. he doesn't want to roll over or crawl anywhere. he just stays on his back. he's been real lethargic. everytime i hold him, instead of sitting on my arm, he just puts all his weight on me, like he can't hold his head up. i don't know what's wrong. he doesn't have a fever or any other symptoms. i'm assuming it's just teething, but i'll wait a day or two to see how he's feeling. at first i thought it was because he had his first flu shot today [and didn't cry at all!], but he was even acting like this this morning. poor baby.

i got to hang out with him a lot more than usual today! usually i don't get to pick him up around 3:00, because i'm always doing homework or cleaning up or something tedious and unwanted. BUT today i got done with everything an hour EARLY! hoorah! it was nice indeed. i love my son. i wish i could spend everyday, all day with him. :(

BUT on to other great things:
pictures, yes?Collapse )

man, tonight has been rip on jacqui night.
i need to go to bed, but i'm totally manic right now. i can't stand it. i can't stand being this and being me at the same time.

and i love jamy.
alrigh', i'll tell you what it schwas.   
11:51pm 04/11/2007
  mmm, QUICK POST!

emeri is officially CRAWLING. i'm talking about hand steps and foot steps, not JUST scooting. he has also cut TWO teeth. my little boy wonder!!! i just fall more and more in love with this little guy of mine.

emeri and i both just got over the sniffles. i hate day care.

i'm doing fairly well in my classes. i eat psychology and algebra for breakfast. i've made 100's on my last exams. history and speech - not so grand. speech i could care less about and have no idea how many assignments i've actually turned in. i'm making good grades on my history essays, but low B's on exams. and my last paper in history i missed the deadline date... and haven't really e-mailed my prof. to see if i can remake that. it's kind of crucial, too. mm, i should get on top of that. and gym is gym.

last week i was rigidly dieting and was seeing pretty good results. and then on friday, saturday, and sunday i ate like a big fat ass and i'm swearing off the scale for a week of rigid dieting again.

pictures soon of:
- emeri's first halloween!
- halloween party where i ran into michelle barerra, micah pate, and joshua flores' little sister, bianca.
- emeri, aunt jessica's, and my day trip to san antone.
- emeri doing downward facing dog posses.
- ... kneeling in his crib.
- ... being the cutest little guy on the face of the PLANET.

there was a point to this post that i wanted to make - i think. i have forgotten. i'm dumb.

all in all: i'm pretty excited about what is to become of me. i'm up late studystudystudying. it feels good. i'm living off sleep deprivation and water. oh, i'm feeling alive again.

good things are around the corner. i feel it in my bones.
where are those things???
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11:23am 30/10/2007
  i hate when i'm writing an entry and i get real spirited and write real personal thoughts, and then i look back and think "man, i don't want to post it" so i save it to be read by only myself.
but accidentally post it to the world. and don't find out for a while.
i'm a big fat bone head.

i meant to weigh myself this morning, but i forgot. i don't want to weigh myself now because i've eaten a bowl of kix, had a monster, and now i'm eating cucumber slices with chilli powder and salt. yum.

so, i finally finished and did this STUPID speech for speech and it went alright. for some reason i was really shakey. even my voice shaked. which is weird, because i'm pretty used to speaking. whatever. i got a 92.

i have this exam in history that i really need to do my reading on. i hope there's not an exam tomorrow in psych. because, i haven't done any studying for that. i'm not sure if it's THIS wed. or NEXT wed. i know for a fact our group proj. is NEXT wed.
i got a 100 on my last psych. exam. i felt kind of bad, but not that bad for my group members because one got a 42 and the other a 30. we did a group exam together in class a couple days before our exam and we got a 76 and i felt kind of responsible because i answered most of the questions. i'm pretty much in love with this class, though. it's easily becomming my new favorite subject.

em's cutting a tooth, and i finally could see it. his doc. told me he was, but i couldn't feel or see it at all. a few days later i noticed it when he was biting my finger. i think i was just imaging something bigger, which doesn't make sense because his mouth isn't big or anything. but i'm nuts, so - figures. anyhoo, you can see the very tip of it, if he stays still and lets you. he's so adorable. god, i love him.

he's my son and moon. i didn't meant to misspell that, but i guess it works out.


i was looking around CRAZY for some pumpkins so philip and i can carve them tonight. last year we made some pretty kick ass ones and i wanted to do so again this year because that'd make it twice we've done it, which [in my head] means TRADITION! our little family is blooming!

anyhoo, i couldn't find a damn pumpkin ANYWHERE. i went to FOUR HEB's and even the asbury church pumpkin patch. two HEB's were out, the other two had a few crappy ones. asbury church was done with the whole pumpkin patch bussiness and there was just a field of rotting pumpkins.

i finally found some at the little FRUIT KING [or some other kind of fruit stand] on ayers between gollihar and McArdle. they had a BUNCH of good ones 3 for $10. i was pretty stoked.

so, there you go. in case you needed pumpkins, i found some right there.

philip and i were invited to some social gathering at OUR new friends' house, Dawn and Stephanie. i'm pretty excited for new friends. i was also invited to a bridal shower by this girl in my Cardio class. woot woot.

i wasn't gonna go, but jess said she'd watch after em for us [he'll be sleeping anyway]. bryan wants to come over and help, too. he has a thing for my sister. they've been "talking" and "dating" but jess isn't too intrested in anything other than friendship. "who are we, the Conner Sisters??" she said.

mmmm, pictures?Collapse )


oh, yeah. my phone's turned off because my ma didn't pay her bill. i'm kind of annoyed, but i don't contribute to it [even though it's only $10 bucks a month because i'm on her plan and she works for Verizon] so i can't really throw any beef.

i'm kind of bummed though because if LAURA! is trying to get a hold of me, she can't till wed. last wed., she called me from the hospital because she was in LABOR! i haven't heard any news of her little boy, yet, though. em and i went to visit her and isias. i brought her some trashy tabloids [my favorite]. that's the last time we've spoken. I LOVE YOU, LAURA!

this friday, my sister and i are taking a day trip to san antone after i get out of class. my great-grandma is feeling depressed any my dad asked us to go visit her and my grandparents. i'm pretty excited about it, not only because i get to hang out with my grandparents, but also because SARAH'S going to meet us down there and i get to meet JUDE!!! yay! sucks that it'll only be a few hours. i miss sarah soooo much. i kind of want to spend more time with her. i know we'll only be able to talk for what will seem like a few minutes. then we'll have to split ways and i'll be sad.
but for the time being: STOKED ABOUT FRIDAY! WOOT!

kay. i NEED to get my ass on academics now.
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